‍Because the conversation about love, chronic illness, and belonging is long overdue.

Dating is complicated for almost everyone. For people with chronic illness or disability, there is an extra layer of complexity that most dating advice ignores: the disclosure question, energy management, and spaces not designed with you in mind.

Jacqueline Child, Co-founder of Dateability, put it into words better than we could during a 2023 discussion on the topic:

At 28, I watch my peers find their partners and start their lives together. I look at them and ask, "How did you find them?" They tell me about meeting at work, meeting through mutual friends, or swiping right on a dating app. It's easy, huh? But then I remember something that makes me different from all my friends: I'm disabled.

Life as a chronically ill person can be isolating. I don't drink alcohol, I have many physical limitations, and my schedule is full of doctors' appointments and treatments. Much of my life is affected by my disability, but I also live a typical life. Since I am a homebody by choice and because of my disability, my best bet for finding a partner is a dating app. With a mostly invisible disability, my profile looks like any other user, but when the first messages come in asking if I like to hike or how many days I've skied this season, I begin to panic.

Do I disclose my disability right away? Should I wait until I trust the person? How much do I tell them? After some trial and error, I concluded it doesn't matter; I will get ghosted or rejected either way. For years, I hid my insecurities and dating experiences. It's embarrassing to be rejected repeatedly, especially when people tell you they can't believe you haven't met someone yet. I became ashamed of my disability and started to think maybe I wasn't worthy of finding a partner.

After years of internalizing these unsuccessful dating app stories, I decided it was time for a change. I spent years searching for a dating app for chronically ill or disabled people, but there weren't any legitimate ones. So, my sister and I decided to make one ourselves and call it Dateability. Dateability is the app I searched for all those years; it has a user base filled with people like me. It's a place where I can fill out the Dateability Deets section, which lists broad terms about one's disability, such as permanent medical device or mobility aid, and not feel judged. To me, disability is neutral, and with this section, it is destigmatized and normalized.

I know my experiences aren't unique, as evidenced by the number of messages we receive about them and by the thanks we receive for creating Dateability. I am confident Dateability will become a safe and inclusive space for dating with a disability or chronic illness, and those who have been made to feel uncomfortable in their own skin can find love for themselves and for someone else.

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The pressure to disclose

What Jacqueline describes is something the chronic illness community navigates constantly, yet it rarely makes it into mainstream conversations about dating.

There is no universally right time to disclose a diagnosis. Disclose too early and risk being reduced to it before someone knows you. Wait too long and risk feeling like you've been hiding something. Both paths carry weight, and neither comes with a guarantee. What matters is that there is no wrong answer. The timing that feels right for one person in one relationship may be completely different for another, and that's okay.

A few things that can help when thinking through disclosure:

• ‍Lead with who you are, not what you have. A diagnosis is part of your story, not the headline. Letting someone get to know you first gives context to everything that comes after.‍
• You don't owe anyone your full medical history upfront. Sharing that you have a chronic condition is different from sharing every detail of it. You get to decide how much and when.‍
• Pay attention to how someone responds to smaller vulnerabilities first. How a person handles the smaller things you share early on can tell you a lot about whether they're someone worth trusting with the bigger ones.‍
• Rejection after disclosure is information, not a verdict on your worth. Someone who can't handle your reality wasn't the right fit. That's genuinely useful to know sooner rather than later.

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Dating requires energy

Dating takes energy. For people with chronic illness, energy is not unlimited; it is carefully managed, often rationed, and sometimes completely depleted by the basics of getting through a day.

So, dating looks different for you as a patient. Canceling plans, seeking low-key dates, and avoiding explaining every symptom on a first date are reasonable adaptations. You deserve to be treated that way by potential partners and by yourself.

It also means the emotional labor of navigating rejection, disclosure, and the vulnerability of putting yourself out there can hit differently when your reserves are already stretched. Be honest with yourself about your capacity and find support when you need it.

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Practical ways to protect your energy while dating

Managing a neurological or chronic condition while dating is a lot to juggle. Our care coaches work with patients on this: the real-life logistics of living well with a condition. A few things come up often:

• ‍Set realistic expectations for yourself. You don't have to be "on" all the time. It's okay to take breaks from apps, limit the number of conversations you manage at once, or step back entirely during a flare.‍
• Build dates around what works for your body. Coffee instead of a loud bar. A walk at your own pace. A low-stakes video call first. You can suggest options that work for you, and someone worth dating will be fine with it.‍
• Have a loose script ready for the hard questions. Not a rehearsed speech, but a general sense of what you want to say about your condition, so you don't have to figure it out in the moment when you are already nervous.‍
• Don't carry this alone. Whether it is a therapist, a care coach, a support group, or a community like Dateability, having people who understand this experience matters. It makes the hard parts more bearable and the good parts more celebratable.

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For anyone who has been through the loop Jacqueline describes, hiding, disclosing, getting rejected, quietly deciding you might be too complicated to love, the issue was never you. It was spaces and people that were not designed with you in mind.

You deserve to be seen fully. In dating, in healthcare, and everywhere else.

Navigating a neurological condition and want support with the everyday parts of living with it? Neura Health's care coaches are here for exactly that. Learn more at neurahealth.co.

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Dateability is available for free on iOS, Android, and web www.dateabilityapp.com

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Dateability's Jacqueline and Alexa Child discuss dating with Stacy London and Neura Health's Cannon Hodge and Maddie Lesperance.